Today I have felt pretty much like crap.  I tried to get the sofa couch unfolded to hang out on where I didn’t have to sit up at my desk today while putting all the software back on my computer that needs to be put back on it.  That didn’t work out all that well.  The kids ended up taking it over and I found myself sitting on the floor because I was too damn lazy and in too much pain to move to my desk.  We went downstairs to watch Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, funny movie by the way, and when I came back upstairs and wanted to get back on the sofa bed, my oldest daughter was passed out asleep in the middle of it.

To add insult to injury a plate of meat and potatoes was made up and brought to me, “Do you want this?”

Seriously?  I haven’t eaten anything other seafood, fruits and veggies for about two weeks now because beef, pork and chicken makes me want to vomit.  I have been saying this over and over and yet no one listens.  My face breaks out in a rash, that my doctor swears up and down is the malar butterfly rash that goes with lupus, every time meat is cooked in the house.  Eating it just makes me want to throw up.

All this after I had to go in and clean the kitchen because my kids don’t want to take their turn each week cleaning up.  They keep pushing stuff off on each other and a fight broke out about who didn’t do what and blah blah blah.  Standing didn’t help.  Trying to use my hands to clean food from plates and pans that had been fused to it because it had been sitting on the counter so long didn’t help the pain.

I woke up sick this morning.  I was in pain and I had an upset stomach.  My stomach has not calmed down.  My hands are swollen and hurt, as do my feet and ankles.  My knees are killing me and I don’t even want to get into my hip pain.  It’s been worse today than normal.  My back hurts more than usual and is spasmodic.  And this is taking my pain meds and additional OTC Naproxin since my pain meds don’t work on headaches.  I want to curl up in a ball and cry from the pain.

It’s all very frustrating.  I am loosing my life to this pain.  All I want to do most days is sleep.  I want my husband to be able to touch me without it causing me pain.  If it’s not joint pain it’s the muscle pain of the fibro.  There are only certain pieces of clothing that I will wear because anything other than the softest fabrics hurt my skin.

I go to the specialist on Thursday.  I am worried that he’s going to blow me off.  I have had plenty of doctors do that to me over the years telling me that the pain is in my head, it’s caused by stress, IBS, or something other than what it was.  I was so happy last summer when I had my hysterectomy because it meant that I would finally be free of what was causing me pain and sickness.  There were a few months that I felt the best that I had felt in a very long time.  Then I got sick again.  The pain and exhaustion just took over.  I really don’t want to deal with another doctor who thinks I am exaggerating or making something up or whatever doctors think when they decide a patient isn’t worth their time.

Sigh.

I came across this blog today when looking for personal blogs about how people with lupus take care of themselves.  I didn’t find what I was looking for but I did find someone who echos my sentiments about breast cancer awareness.  I am sick of the pink.  I am sick of boobs being more important than other parts of the body.  You know, people die from lung cancer and stomach cancer and testicular cancer and cervical cancer and prostate cancer but these parts of the body aren’t seen as sexual body parts so they don’t get nearly the attention that boobs do.  Cancer is cancer and I don’t understand why we have to compartmentalize it based on it’s body part.  Everyone feels bad for the woman who had a battle with breast cancer but where is the sympathy for the guy who lost his testicles to cancer or all the women and men who have had stomach or lung cancer?  These people are just as important.  It makes me both sad and angry that they don’t have the support from the media, the public and non-profits that those with breast cancer do.  Everyone is so fixated on boobs that they can’t be bothered with rest of the person.  It’s disgusting.  I really think that if those people who were studying breast cancer got together with those studying lung cancer, stomach cancer, cervical cancer, testicular cancer, brain cancer and so forth and compared notes, talked about how it was all the same then talked about how it was all different that we would be three steps closer to curing cancer as a general thing.

And this is coming from someone whose family carries a breast cancer gene.  My grandmother had a double mastectomy when I was about 5.  Breast cancer complications killed my mother.  Two of my aunts are survivors.  Guess whose next in the genetic food chain?  My risk is also increased because of my history of endometriosis.

And here I am with health problems, both diagnosed and undiagnosed, that get little attention because they aren’t cancer.

I have an autism awareness ribbon tattooed on the top of my left hand.  People will say to me, “I like that.  It’s different.  It’s pretty.”  It’s pretty.  It’s nice to know that autism has a pretty ribbon because autism sure the hell isn’t pretty.  I know damn well I wouldn’t be getting comments like that if it was a pink ribbon tattooed on my hand.  People would have stories for me and ask me what mine was.  Who did I get the ribbon for?  I find it mind boggling that people would actually think that I someone would just decide that a ribbon with puzzle pieces on it would make a cool tattoo.

You know, I never once wore a yellow endometriosis ribbon because yellow also stands for supporting our military.  I have no problem with that at all, but why wear something when the majority of the population is going to assume I am wearing it for something I am not?

Okay, rant over.

You know what time it is…

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