This is a really old blog post from a number of years ago that I originally posted on Myspace.  I thought that I would dig it up off my old Blogger blog that I never deleted and post it here for everyone to enjoy.  To this day I have friends who tell me this is one of the best blogs I ever put together.


This is another one of those posts that after you read it you are going to wonder why it’s not under pets and animals. No, I don’t really think of kids as pets, but sometimes they do act like animals. Those of you without kids just think I am being mean now but you really have no idea. Those of you with kids really know what I am talking about and you are probably wondering where this blog is going.

Now, when people become parents they have this image of what things are going to be like. You tell yourself that you are never going to use those phrases your parents did like “Because I said so” because they annoyed you and you don’t want to be annoying like your parents. Got news for you, sometimes “Because I said so” is the only answer there is. Honest. You also find out that you get to say some pretty odd things to your kids. You think I am kidding? The following list are actual comments said to actual kids by actual parents. I was up until 2:00am last night going through Yahoo archives on my autism list to bring you two years worth of an ongoing thread we like to call “Parenting Phrase of the Day” Before you ask, yes, a handful of these phrases have come out of my mouth. Enjoy…

Poo does not go in a cup.

Do not put straws up your butt! Do not put anything in your butt!

Why is the cheese grater in the bathroom?

Stop shining the flashlight between my legs and stop shining it down your underwear.

Don’t put the cat in the toilet.

Do not put your penis in the fish tank.

When you play with your penis use your hands.

Do not eat soap. Do not feed the baby soap. Soap is not for eating.

No computer until you put your clothes on.

(After finding scanner pictures of guinea pigs) We do not scan guinea pigs.

Guinea pigs are not Christmas Tree decorations.

Is that lip gloss on your butt?

The cat does not want to hand glide.

Get your feet out of the toilet.

I do not want to see anything that comes out of your nose.

Wait! Here’s a clean sock for you to eat.

Get your penis out of your sisters hair.

We don’t try to suck our eyeballs out with the vacuum cleaner.

Don’t squeeze your meat, just eat it.

Do not stick diaper fuzz up your nose.

(After finding the cat stuck with a post it note that reads “Hey lady, I am hungry. Love, the cat) We do not stick post it notes on the cat.

Mommy is not a voodoo doll.

We don’t eat anything out of the toilet.

Finish your pizza and then you can have more peas.

Don’t rub your eyes, you will get puke in them.

Do not stick telephone antennas up your nose.

Take mommy’s bra off the weed whacker.

The meteorologist does not care about whether or not you have your peas.

We don’t put kittens up our shirt.

Don’t put frozen perogies in the bath tub.

Why is the toilet water purple.

Stop licking your sisters feet.

Don’t pick your nose with the spoon.

Don’t headbutt the TV.

Get the lawnmower off the bed.

Quit digging at the wall with your fork.

Please don’t wipe your butt with my shoes.

Why are you washing your Popsicle in the toilet?

Why do you smell like pizza and where are your clothes?

Don’t kiss other peoples cars.

I will not pick your nose for you.

Don’t microwave your Popsicle.

Don’t put chopsticks in your diaper.

Don’t eat your ear gunk.

Don’t let the dog lick your tongue.

Get the bath fizzy out of your butt.

Who taped the toothpaste tube to the ceiling?

Don’t pee on the cat.

Don’t drink out of the toilet.

Stop licking my elbow.