Yesterday I wanted to share something else somewhat related to my fall down the stairs but didn’t get to it because, as with many things I write, I ended up going somewhere I didn’t plan to.  This is one of those things that has annoyed me for some time, and it doesn’t seem to do any good to say anything about it.

See, my husbands short term memory is gone from his thyroid issues.  Short term memory loss is a side effect of hypothyroidism and where I have memory issues related to my thyroid and fibro fog, I am nowhere near as bad as my husband.  He’s bad.  I mean like pregnancy brain bad.  When I was pregnant the first time I parked the car in a shopping center parking lot where I could go buy pet food.  When I came out I couldn’t find the car.  Every forgets every so often where they parked the car.  I totally forgot what the car was and what it looked like.  I spent 20 minutes walking around the parking lot stressed out thinking someone stole the car.  He’s that bad.  Every day.  I really try to sympathize with him but sometimes I feel that he uses it as an excuse for things.

The thing is, to some extent with him this was self induced because he has gone through periods over the years where he has just decided he’s not going to take his medications.  I mean, he has gone as long as 6 months without taking his thyroid medication and even longer without having it checked, especially when he got out of the Navy and didn’t want to see the VA doctors, and been on too low of a dosage for more than a year.  A lot of this damage could have been prevented.  The same goes for the knee issues he has.  He was told three years ago to go see an orthopedist.  He still hasn’t done it even though more recently our GP has told him that he has bone spurs and arthritis in it.  He chooses to live in pain.

The bottom line is he chooses not to take care of himself despite how it effects everyone else around him.  It makes me sad and angry and disappointed and frustrated and so many other things.

Now my  health has gone to hell in a hand basket.  It’s been a slow decent over the last few years but it’s not getting better.  I have always suffered from endometriosis.  This past summer I finally had a total hysterectomy because of it.  My doctor wasn’t kidding when she said it would take me 6 months to recover from the surgery.  I still have some dull pain in my surgery site some days.  It’s all because of the fibromylagia.  I have been learning to cope with it for about the last three years.  It makes a lot of things hard and it makes some issues even worse.

Three years ago when I was diagnosed it was because I passed out in the bathroom and hit my head on the toilet.  I thought that it was because of the balance issues I have related to my back and scoliosis.  It’s not bad enough that anyone will do surgery but it’s bad enough to cause three partially herniated disks in my lower back, arthritis in my neck and some of the worst pain ever in my right hip.  No one has bothered to look directly at my hip and determine what damage has been done to it, if any.  Doctors just poke around, move my hip/leg this way and that and say “Yep, the pain is coming from your back.”  Tell me something I don’t know.  So, after my fall it was off to a new neurologist because it was too far to travel back into MD to see the one I had.  After being poked, prodded, scanned and zapped to make sure I didn’t have MS I was told I have fibromyalgia.  I was given pain meds and sent on my way without any explanation as to what was wrong with me.   It was up to me to educate myself about my disease.  I was also told I had mild sleep apnea.  The upside of getting a CPAP and getting that treated is it’s done away with a lot of the headaches I get.

Depending on the weather I have pains in other parts of my body, like my right foot that has been crushed twice.  Once by a horse when I was in 11th grade and once by a CRT monitor.  Both times I was told nothing was broken or fractured but I seriously don’t believe that.  Then there is the bursitis in my left knee that comes and goes and has always been there since the last day of 6th grade.  Tendinitis and CT in my right hand/wrist/arm.    If my fibro is acting up all these things hurt more than normal.  Yes, I live in pain, even with drugs to control everything.  It’s just a matter of how much pain.  There are good days and bad days.

On the worst of days it feels like every bone in my body has been broken.  On a good day I feel almost normal.  Normally I see some degree of in between.  Some days it hurts to be touched.  Just the cat brushing up against my leg causes pain.  I often have upset stomachs because of my pain levels.  I have also discovered that my blood pressure goes up based on how much pain I am in.  Thursday when we were out running errands, the day after I fell down the stairs, my blood pressure spiked at 151/95.

Here’s the thing, those days that my husbands knee is really bothering him he will walk through the house saying “ouch” with every step.  He’s a huge baby about pain.  He expects everyone to have sympathy for him.  Yet, I get no sympathy or understanding.  I rarely complain about the amount of pain I am in or how bad I feel because it means nothing to anyone.  My husband takes it personally when he touches me and I react from the pain.  He gets really defensive and acts like I have no business reacting like I did.  “I didn’t touch you that hard.”  It doesn’t matter.  Sometimes just the pressure from my clothes causes me pain.  It doesn’t matter if I say something about how bad I feel that day.  He either doesn’t pay any attention or forgets.  So I suffer in silence.

I have been in horrible pain since falling down the stairs.  I discovered a few more bruises yesterday from my fall.  One of them is on the back of my arm and two others are on my lower back/hip/butt area.  If I say something about the pain I basically get a “so what.”  His attitude about my pain on any given day, just not when I have done more damage to myself, is “I am in pain too, what makes yours so special?” So I suffer in silence.